Monday, July 9, 2012

The metaphorical crossroads of life.

I feel like I've come to a sort of crossroads. A metaphorical one. I'm walking on the path of Life and all of a sudden, I've come to a fork in the road, or an intersection, really, and I've been kicking loose pebbles for a while, trying to decide what would be best for me.

I've reached a point where "real life" isn't such a far off thing, and "being an adult" isn't so much a thought as it is something that I actually need to do. I feel, as most people do, a little stressed, a little scared, a little helpless, and a little lost.

When having the "what are you doing after graduation" conversation with my parents, the most I've been able to come up with is...well, nothing really because I tend to just leave the room when the topic is brought up. It's like I think by avoiding it, I can continue to put it off. How very adult of me.

So that intersection I mentioned? Here's a brief summary of what each road looks like (may vary for other people):

Road #1: Do what's expected of me. Graduate college with my English degree in hand. Get a job, probably in New York. Pay bills. Pay off loans. Pay rent. Do adult things. Drink on the weekends. Repeat.

Road #2: Graduate with English degree. Go back to school for second bachelor's degree, preferably in Geology, leading to a more refined study in volcanoes. Study for several more years, possibly move out west, where volcanoes actually exist. Uproot my current existence for something I'm not sure I'll be any good at; move away from everything I know. It's like starting college over, basically.

Road #3: Obscured by mist. Possibly leads to a cliff, which maybe I can just jump off of.

And road #4 is the one I walked up on, and that would be my past on this metaphorical Life path, and turning around would do nothing for me. Not that standing in this intersection kicking pebbles is doing anything either, but maybe I'll get hit by a car, or lightning, or just start running down a path in front of me.

But basically, I no longer have any idea what I want to do. I feel something like this:

Do I subject myself to years of more school? More studying, more homework, more tests? Do I take this desire and run with it? Or do I stick with what I know? I know English, I know literature, I know New York City, I know needing a job. How do I know I won't hate the science once I start studying it seriously? Is this just a whim? Or is this a chance that I should take?

As usual, the best response I can come up with to any of these questions is, "I don't know."

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