Time.

"It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

Albus Dumbledore

I am obsessed with time. I'm constantly checking it, thinking about it, wondering if I'll ever have enough. I'm always afraid I'll run out of time before I have the chance to do amazing things with my life. I'm afraid I won't have enough time to see all of the world. I'm afraid of dying, and of growing old, and of missing out on living life.

And then I realize that by sitting and thinking and worry about missing out on life, I am missing out on life. Then I just get more anxious. If I could just run out the door this instant and leave everything behind and spend the rest of my life wandering into every corner of the Earth and experiencing everything it has to offer, I would.

Recipe for success.

It seems to be pretty standard that, to be successful and do things in life, you have to do the following:

• Graduate high school.
• Go to college, graduate.
• Go to grad school (optional).
• Get a job.
• Work work work.

And with that you'll get your American dream, your house with the fence, two kids, a dog, a car and a significant other. But WHY is this "the norm"?

And all through high school I thought that's what I would do. I looked forward to college and the future; I thought it would be exciting and new. But now that I'm in college, I can't stand it.

What if I want to live an unconventional life and travel and not get married or have kids? What if I just want to see the world and write books? Why can't I do that without going to college?

What really got me thinking about this was yesterday when I dropped my anthropology class. I was texting my friend and we were talking about how I would only have four classes and twelve credits. When she asked me how I felt about that, I had to stop and think. How would I feel about that?

Five classes is what's normal; twelve credits is what you need to be a full-time student. So what if I only have four classes? Why shouldn't I have a slightly more relaxed semester? The thing that I hate most about school is their idea that to be doing good, I have to be taking a certain number of credits and classes. So what if I have four, five, or six classes? As long as I do well in them, shouldn't that be the only thing that matters?

We're brainwashed since birth practically that we have to go to school in order to do well. School school school. I've spent most of my life in school.

I DON'T WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE.

I'm almost 20 and I want to experience something that has nothing to do with school. It's like if I'm not in school until I'm in my mid-twenties than I'm a failure. Sure, you can't get a great job without a college degree, but I just want to write. There is nothing else I can think of that I want to do. Yeah, maybe classes could help me with structure and flow and all that technical crap, but COME ON. I want to live my life; I don't want to spend it in school.

I've just been feeling frustrated lately because I can't make up my mind about what I want to do with my life. Oh. Speaking of that, why do I need to have my life planned out by the time I'm 22? I'm 19 years old; why do I need to know what I want to do RIGHT NOW? The thing about college is that it forces you into studying something that will potentially be what you're going to do for the rest of your life, and you don't have a lot of opportunity to fully explore your interests and passions.

I don't want to plan. I just want to live and take everything as it comes at me. Why does everything have to be structured and orderly? A little mess and disorganization never hurt anyone.

That awkward moment when you realize the person in the car next to you is watching you rock out to the radio.

I like to sing. I'll sing anywhere. I'll sing while I'm walking around, while I'm in my room, while I'm at the mall, but most often, I sing in the car while I'm driving. And I don't just inconspicuously move my mouth along with the words of whatever song is playing, I sing. I'll belt it out with no shame at all.

Part of that stems from the fact that I frequently forget that there is actually no soundproof bubble around my car. So in the summer, when I'm driving around with the windows down, I'll be singing to my heart's content and think that the situation looks something like this:

The music and my voice don't carry outside the bubble. So in my imagination, when I'm driving on a multiple lane road, it looks something like this:

I could be stopped at a stop light with a car next to me and I'll just forget that the person in the other car can actually see and/or hear me. And I'll be singing and singing and then all of a sudden I notice this:

They're watching me. But it's to the point now where I might as well just keep on singing. They've already heard me perform most of the song, might as well finish it.

Yeah. The only things you should take away from this are:

• Have no shame when singing in your car.
• I am clearly not an artist.
• Apparently, according to the last picture, I drive a purple bus-type vehicle. Because that's what it looks like.

Happy festivus.

The holiday season.

My favorite time of year has to be from October to the end of December. If I disregarded school and studying for exams and writing papers, it would be perfect and I would probably be in a good mood the entire time.

It starts with October, which is when the fall season really kicks in. Leaves are changing colors, becoming rich reds and oranges and bright yellows; the foliage is brilliant and perfect for picture taking. The end of October means its Halloween, and even though I didn't get to participate in the shenanigans of Mischief Night and trick or treating and dressing up, it's still one of my favorite holidays.

Once November rolls around, the hockey season is in full swing and the weather is becoming ever crisper and cooler. At times, it's frigid and makes me miserable, but I cheer up at the thought of being able to layer myself in sweatshirts and jackets and colorful hats and scarves and gloves. This year, November also meant the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One. November also means Thanksgiving, which, as I get older, I like more and more. When I was younger, I never really looked forward to Thanksgiving; I just looked forward to the holiday that followed it: Christmas. Because it of course meant presents and new toys and books. But now, as I'm approaching my twenties (god, how scary is that?) I start to actually look forward to Thanksgiving because as weird and crazy and sometimes annoying and frustrating my family might be, I actually enjoy going to parties and spending time with them now. There is never a lack of entertainment or stimulating conversation and I can flit between talking with the adults and hanging out with my cousin and brother. I am thankful that I have a wonderful family.

But sometimes I feel like Thanksgiving gets a bit overshadowed by the day that follows it: Black Friday. It's officially the start of the madness that is shopping for Christmas gifts. I ventured out to join the psychotic groups of people, though I chose not to go out at three in the morning. When I hear about people who have camped out overnight just to get a good deal on something, I wonder why it was so much more important than celebrating with your family. It shouldn't be. But in the society we live in today, 25% off a TV means that you have to abandon common sense and sleep outside Best Buy.

Then as December rolls around, it becomes winter and the cold makes me wish for snow. Snow is the only thing that makes the cold bearable (and as my friends can tell you, I get cold very easily, and I get made fun of for it). But I get to bundle up in as many layers as I can manage and when I'm inside I get to lounge around in sweatpants and cozy slippers and drink hot tea and watch movies and read books. December means I get a month off from school to relax and recuperate from the stresses of the first semester, and prepare myself for the second. December means I have searching the depths of my wallet, wondering why I bought this CD for myself when I could have spent the money on something for someone else, but I just couldn't resist. Somehow I always pull through and I love perusing stores and catalogs and the Internet, looking for something creative to give to my friends and family. December means going with my family out to Sussex County to cut down a tree and bring it home to decorate. From that moment on I become very festive, and I don't mind listening to Christmas songs on the radio.

The holiday season is one of my favorite times of year. We are in the thick of it right now, and I'm very much enjoying myself. I hope your holidays are just as wonderful as mine.

F is for friends that do stuff together.

I have the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. And I'm sure that's an overused, somewhat cliched phrase that applies to everyone and their friends, but it's never been more true for me than now.

Whether they're just across town, a half hour away, two hours away, or even four hours away, I know they're always there for me. Even if they take an hour to respond to my texts, I know in the end that they will get back to me. Even if they're not big on being overly emotional or affectionate, I know they've got my back.

Even if I don't agree with them on everything, even if we're studying different things, going to different places, I know that when I need them the most, they'll be there.

They offer me company, support, hugs and ice cream if I need it. They help me see things I didn't see before. They don't make fun of me when I'm a crying, puffy-eyed, sniffling mess. They know that even though I'm a strong person, I have my moments. And when I'm feeling down or I'm at my lowest, they are what helps me through it.

They know that I love them, and I appreciate every single thing they do for me. I might not say it to them often, and I would never be able to say it enough, but I love them and without them, I wouldn't know what to do half the time.

This is for them.

She said everything I would have to say.

I'm reblogging this. It was written here, by Kate Lieb. I can't say what she said better, so I'm passing this on to my readers...few as they may be.

"As Americans, we’re given the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for ALL. So why is the LGBTQ community not given these supposedly inalienable rights. I mean aren’t they Americans too? Does whom they fall in love with make them Un-American? Since when was choosing something against the “norm” Un-American, after all wasn’t that the concept America was founded on? I’m now going to analyze how each of the aforementioned principles in the Declaration of Independence are not granted for this community.

Life:

Because gays and lesbians aren’t allowed to get married, they aren’t given the same rights that married couples get. One right they aren’t fully given yet because they don’t have the right to marriage is end of life visitation. It wasn’t until this August that they were even given this right at all, but they’re only given this right if the hospital is funded by medicare or medicaid. So if you’re gay/lesbian and your loved one is being cared for in a hospital not funded by these two government agencies, the hospital could likely reject your visitation rights AND they would have the right to do so. This subject really hits home for me because my uncle Arthur developed multiple myeloma and when he was in the hospital, his partner wasn’t allowed to see him. Until the end of his life, Arthur tried his best to avoid going to the hospital so he could spend his final moments with his life partner. Sure, what Obama passed makes the likelihood of what happened to my Uncle Arthur less likely, but it doesn’t eliminate the problem. Until ALL hospitals are forced to let partners be at their ailing partner’s side or gay marriage is legalized, the LGBTQ community will still experience the pain of what my uncles went through.

Liberty:

First off, they don’t have the freedom to serve in our nations military. For the members of the LGBTQ community to serve, they have to conceal their identities and live a lie throughout their tour of duty. If they’re caught or even accused of being gay or lesbian, they’re dishonorably discharged. Since when does sexual orientation affect your ability to serve? Last I checked, they can do anything us straight Americans can do.

Pursuit of Happiness:

Gays are still not allowed to marry. Now why is that? Because people who are against marriage believe that it should be between a man and a woman. Now where is that stated? The bible. This is a direct violation of separation of church and state. Senators are using the scriptures of the bible to figure out where they stand politically. Could it also be for other reasons? Obviously, but those opposed to it still use the bible as the reason why they won’t support it. Until someone steps up and says using that excuse is an invalid reason to continue the ban, gay marriage will continue to be a figment of imagination instead of a reality." 

I've been reblogging a lot lately (for me, anyway). I'm kind of in an inspiration-dry rut right now.

But yeah.

I agree with everything she said.

Ladies and gentlemen...

“Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ‘97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.”